Night wishes

I barely listen to myself when I am submerged in the phase of giving advice to someone, I always ask them to have faith in God, and his choices, I even believe that I have faith in God through their problems more than I do in my own problems, not that I don't , cause I do , but I am talking relatively. I wonder why, I wonder how is it even possible,sometimes I wish someone reflected back faith I radiate, to give me back my faith when I need it.
I wish I had the kind of faith that don't fade away when dozens of my prayers don't seem to work at their time.
I wish I had the patience that allows me to work on my spiritual life for God to give me patience I need to resolve all my issues.

Sexual Harassment

Sexual Harassment has become a very main stream topic these days. So as I was thinking what to write regarding that critical issue, I had so many mixed feelings.

Disgust, is what I felt when I remember someone’s attempt to throw flattering comments about my looks

Rage, is what I feel towards any –so called man- who has ever participated in planting an idea inside a woman’s head, that if she wants to survive in the outside world she has to watch out for everybody’s hands.
Being a “Female” in Egypt, getting ready in the morning is a struggle. Because you don’t choose what you wear based upon your personal taste, your traditions or even the weather outside. You choose the outfit that will get you less comments and less harassment. And if you’re one of the unlucky majority of our population that isn't luxurious enough to have a car, then welcome to the Jungle! Where any tiny sudden movement –whether it is justified or not - is enough to start a conflict within yourself and raise tons of questions. Did he mean that?! , he looks decent. , do they all look vulgar? Maybe not. Has anyone noticed? Am I being unfair? Maybe it is me all long. Maybe not. I can’t just yell at him, or maybe I can, I even can hit him with the nearest thing. Do I have the ability to deal with everyone’s judgmental eyes after that? , Okay, Maybe the only thing they will be concerning about is whether I am judging them for not interfering. If I speak up, If I take this matter further, will I be victimized? Criminalized? Or even worse, treated with such indifference? Why did he do that? Is he thinking that it’s his right to say his opinion about my body parts?! Even if he’s flirting? Does he think that girls like this?  No, he still doesn't have the right to do so!  Whether you can relate to any or all of these questions, YOU NEED TO STOP! SERIOUSLY! STOP BEING SUBMISSIVE AND WEAK! It is not you, you are not sending signals that can be misunderstood. You have to stop criminalizing yourself for people to stop treating you as a criminal. You need to know something about your society, your society blames whoever’s potentially easier to blame. There is no fair trial, not even close. So why are you feeling guilty when the harasser doesn't seem to be? Why does it have to be you who looks down in shame? Why do you let these movements conquer your day, induce hatred and even aggravate your insecurities when the harasser is probably going to enjoy the rest of his day? They don’t seem to stop anytime soon, so you have to change the way you deal with them. You have to stop over thinking about every meaningless gestures you make and whether or not that justifies their actions. You need to quit trying so hard to insert logic in some hopeless twisted actions. If your clothes, the way you walk, the way you talk provoked a conflict within the harasser then it was probably there all along, you can't provoke what doesn't exist, And Darling, don’t you ever feel weak, these predators can smell weakness form miles away. And remember, you’re not alone in this. Speak up, and you’ll find help.

A View

I want to write something beautiful ,
-Something that makes the believer believe even more, the optimistic  adopt a new optimism path, and the dreamer renew all of his dreams.
-a description that is too damn good that makes the writer rewrite his novels, and watch the utter printed words.
-I am gonna put two unrelated words together in a way that is totally fitting, the kind of fitting that makes it almost impossible for you to re-separate them.
-I am gonna hold the *right required word* to the end ,, I am not going to reveal its identity, though I shall refer to it, I might describe its color and smell, I even might utter how it feels to hold it to the end.
-I am gonna read between ur lines and write between my replies ,, I am gonna let my betweens reply ur betweens,, and let my comments reply ur lines. it is gonna be that simple for you and me but complicated for who knows how many.
-I am gonna listen to whatever any word has to say , words don't just speak their meanings, But more, much more.
-I am gonna say what I don't mean and write what I don't believe in , and wait just wait for you to reply my actual meanings and beliefs.
-I am gonna use bare words roaming my mind all night long, and trying to direct them down on paper to give a sentence that almost anyone can relate to.
-I am gonna re-feel all my feelings and imagine all my imaginations and see how far I can go with all senses I have.

She

She could barely recognize her soul among all the scratches,and holes. she felt lonely, the kind of loneliness that no matter what she read, whatever songs she listened to, it never really fades away.she failed to live a normal peacful life with her abnormal violated heart, of course she was persuaded that the only way her heart would stop aching so bad, is to hold it between her hands, but her hands being so tiny, it was practically impossible to hold such an enlarged perforated organ.

all along people have told her that she had such a transparent soul that others could see right through it with no apparent effort, she started to question the healthy thickness level of one's soul, have her soul being so delicate made her any good in her miserable life?,,doesn't a soul being so delicate mean that it is more likely to be drilled over and over?.. she reached out that only rough coarse thick-souled people survived in their life duration, a transparent soul is not really a good defense mechanism in this world anymore ,was it because she trusted people  that the disappointments literally consumed her? Or was is due to the lack of love threads that were webbed around her, that prevent anyone to fall apart.Or maybe just maybe both roughness and selfishness of people have turned her soul in to restless reckless one, Or maybe questioning the reason that led her heart be worn out  was the main reason it ended up that way, would you just please leave her alone?

she started to think of all of that the moment she woke up and decided to go out of bed. does she really want to go out of bed today? 

Pathetic humanistic ideas..

-Imagine an emotional person who can't deal with most of known emotions, which frequently leads him bursting new unknown emotions, that he just can't handle.

All along I thought that I was emotionally intelligent, I can control how I feel whatever it was, I don't let myself being drifted by love, hate, affection, or even indifference.

I only let myself feel whatever I want to feel, people couldn't hurt me, unless I allowed them to, and I was happy, of course things didn't always go my way, and there were some stupid people whom I couldn't control my love towards, and more stupid people towards whom I couldn't control my hate, there were exceptions which I hated the most, I mean seriously the most thing I do hate more than the rule itself is its exception like it is not hard enough to reach out a rule!! Back to my point there were few exceptions that distracted me, eventually led me to write this.

Lately, things changed, they always do, don't they?! , lately I have been thinking that nothing is ultimate and it is so dramatically un wise to generalize human feelings the way I used to do, it is not that easy to set a rule, set its exception without actually being distracted and confused that the exception can turn out to be the rule, and rule turns out to be just another exception, the more mature I become the less clear things turn out to be, one single notion is never a one single notion to me, it drifts more thoughts than I will ever care to count, so for all my exceptions, for every single one whom I loved when the most reasonable thing to do was hating him, but still I kept loving him indeed, for every single person whom I was supposed to give up on him when all I did was giving in.

and For all people who did everything they could to make me love them, and no matter how hard they tried ,no matter how hard I tried,  I just didn't love them the way they wanted, the way they deserved.

You are the only proof that no matter how hard I tried to un-humanize myself , I turned out to be a human being after all, which is so disappointing , you know :P…

P.S :  What I just wrote suffers a severe mind-diversity, and you probably didn't finish it, which makes it more likely that you are not reading this pardo,, anyway Sorry, I will probably be killed by over-thinking Just saying!

Romance *Sigh*

This will sound crazy, even for me, so who is barely accused to be sane
Stay Safe, Don't read this!

When I first met you, -well actually if I can
consider the fact of ur profile-poping
out  of absolutely nowhere equals meeting you- things became much
clearer, incidents passed much slower through me, Maybe Nothing
changed, maybe it is me, Maybe it has always been me.
I stopped worrying about things, I stopped complaing too, and seriously
if you know the paranoid-side of me, you will get that THIS
IS A HUGE THING!
like it is enough for me that u are on the same planet, maybe now
I am breathing the same air you exhaled months ago, Maybe we met
some common people who led us to gain common experiences.
Maybe one day we read the same online things , that made us think
in the very same way, Maybe someday our playlist was more likely
to be the same than any other two, Or maybe we gained the same weight
in the very same week , then complained about this the same amount.
It doesn't actually matter which one of those happened, maybe
they all did, Maybe more, maybe nothing at all.
But in the weirdest way , in the very weirdest way actually I can assure
you that I have never ever sensed this feeling of belong with anyone else.
someone asked Can a hug be a home?,, and I am asking you
can a profile just a profile be a home this much?!,, Both not-literally and literally (as ur profile is actually my homepage which is totally pathetic, I mean dude it is
a total pathetic thing to do) *Sigh* I am so pathetic.

Random irrational must written things

-And I am lost, trying to explain the feeling of the very last un-cooked pop corn in oil, surrounded by cooked ones, 1/10 sec. before it pops!,because I believe that describing that will announce me as an artistic writer!

-And I was convinced that people who love me are the only ones who didn't know her, Sad truth, I loved her, but I wished she just disappear.

To me Novels are not just novels.

She was yelling at me for taking the novel more serious than a sane person should, it is just a novel for God sake, she said. True,I take novels seriously , more serious than most ppl I know, and this is something most ppl I know will never understand.

Art

I have always been intrigued by the untold, the unseen, whether it is behind the scene, Or not even behind the scene. I am somehow captured by the after-state, the after-state of a singer who sings a really heart-breaking song, when all people emotionally move on after listening to it. How he feels after the song?. Like I read before a closed-box has its glorification, as long as it is closed , anything can be in, a mummy, a map to lost-treasure, secret information of how to split down the world in ten days, money, books , weapon, spider webs, Or nothing at all. That is how I see UN-told, I practically hear the untold say so much without actually telling that. That is how the vagueness is more clear to me than the clearly obvious stuff that every other person wants us to see. I actually observed lately that I barely look to the main actor/actress in a commercial. I search for completely other things, sometimes I miss the aim of the whole commercial by doing this. Some people May call it distraction even dumbness, but I agree to call it an art. The art of seeing/hearing/smelling the UN Or barely exist. So can you please just not talk?, If you talk loudly that is actually interact negatively with how clear I hear you.

a whole new level of my maddness

People break down, but strong people break down strongly, out of all my miserable experiences, I somehow reached the mechanism of corruption, the art of breaking down so miserably hard. It is both funny and pathetic to notice how this mecahnism works , how it can be applied on people, on countries, on empires, the same exact mechanism with a so little deviation ,and it is somehow worth-mentioning that knowing how exactly you will break down, may delay ur corruption, it may give you the chance to put ur pieces together, but it won’t help when you actually break down first rule of corruption: -unless you are an angel, a messenger, you will eventually break down. Second rule of corruption: you will break down the same way ur absoulte adjective tells you to. -Strong people break down strongly. -weak people break down weakily. -great empires break down greatly -tyrant unfair man will actually break down unfairly. which is so fair, third rule of corruption: you will break down for the sake of money, power, beauty, or simply for nothing. fourth rule of corruption: people who break down for the sake of nothing will actually feel nothing during breaking down. and that is so painful! -fifth rule of corruption: people break down independantly , in different ways , and they stand up depending on each other, in different ways. -sixth rule of corruption: it is healty for you to break down compelelty , before starting to stand up. than a semi-break down. So hold ur breath, pick up ur adjective , and wait for ur corruption,

Different

I can't keep going like this, I can't keep going with this feeling that something will end somehow at some point. I can't keep going with the concept that nothing lasts forever,, true concept, this is life , nothing lasts, but at least we don't have to be kept on the alarm 24\7, I can't deal with everything knowing that I shall forget at some point, it is useless,  this indifference , this 100% complete indifference is just useless, I need to torture , I need that, to keep in mind that losing people is not that easy, I need to understand that at some point all the scars will arise....... together.... in pain!
Nothing lasts, that is true. But we don't have to end them so soon .
Nothing lasts, that is true, But why don't we procrastinate for longer time.
Nothing lasts, that is true, But why don't we at least let ourselves break down when it happens.
This post is just not about strength, not about me telling you how happy u will be by moving on, those posts are really alot that we forgot how to be sad. why don't we suffer? I mean seriously! why do we think that forgetting , denying is always for the best, Maybe it is for the best, so why do we have to go through the best? who put these rules anyway?. this post is for arising ur weakness, YES! I wrote it correctly, for weakness,  and u know what? I am sick of being strong, I'm sick of not going down, of not whipping.
Maybe that is what I need,
some weakness This post is just different!  

BEES!

According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The bee, of course, flies anyway. Because bees don't care what humans think is impossible.

Memorizing

Today is my 19-birthday! YAAAY! ^_^ 
I'm blessed, I'm Happy!
Maybe Yesterday I didn't notice that, Maybe Tomorrow I will forget all about it!
So I will take this exact moment , to memorize this exact feeling. Today! Today I admit it!
It is true that  till this moment I can't clearly heart-fully answer simple questions about my existence   who am I?, Or what do I offer?
I'm 19 now, and I have this loud voice inside pushing me to search for answers. .....Do I have what it takes to get my answers?  ,,,Are they even there?... In me? ....Deep Down?...
I don't know! and that used to freak me down, all day-long, all week duration . But at this moment , I am happy. so I wanted the whole world to just know it! Enough! I will Shut up now and Enjoy this moment!

Tonight

Tonight I am speechless.Tonight I don't seem to be so lucky with the chosen words.Tonight I have nothing in mind but plenty of complicated feelings in heart, Yesterday I was so sure of stuff, Tonight I am not, I am more like opposing what I used to approve.
Tonight I am finally finally letting myself break down, into million pieces, to finally have the chance to re-arrange them.
Tonight I will let my feelings guide me without forcing myself to plan all mind's victory, Tonight I will hold up my phone and call whatever person I want to hear her\his voice, without pre-thinking of the consequences, and Maybe tonight I will stray so far away from the sidewalk, the safe road.
Only tonight I will do that.

What happened?

I look back to the fragile person I was those days, how sentimental!
-Hurtful words used to get me down, a staring glance was very much enough to disturb my whole day, I was more than careful over-watching my mouth to not hurt anyone however he acted or reacted. I felt awkward for the tiniest reasons, I was not that girl who can confidently enter the class 5 min. late and just deal with glances, my calmness was given as a clear example, so as my politeness. I look to this girl now and wonder what happened?

 I look to myself now,noticing every movement but not letting my concentration upon them neither change nor delay them. I loudly sing in the middle of anywhere without any sign of boredom or embarrassment, I now can enter my lecture in the very last 5 min. looking straight to people faces with this look on my face that is actually your fault for being here all the time, not mine for being out, I have a life people! 3o2balkom :P haha!

I now am An example of a person suffering a hyper-activity condition! and my mouth just don't stop talking, GOD! whether I'm talking to my outer-myself Or my inner-myself or the middle! there has to be someone, Or something :P what dah hell happened?
I wonder!

Your choice!

-There is nothing left to be destroyed, everything's own shame is clearly obvious to eyes nowdays, you are not rewarded for seeing the clearly obvious, you are not rewarded for seeing what anyone can normally see,but you are appreciated if you can shut your ears in the middle of horrible noise and still can hear music, you are appreciated if you actually have the ability to bring your own weather with you everywhere you go, 
-Destruction, distorting, vandalism, are not going to shut the war within you, they don't shut anyone's war, but beauty....beauty can at least provoke the hidden peace you never felt.

Unfair 2

-It is unfair that getting sick of chaotic feelings within you is actually a feeling!

-That if a certain unwanted idea occupied you, the more effort you make to erase it, the harder it becomes for it to be vanished, that the magnitude of effort suddenly becomes the magnitude of the idea to

stick!

-That people don't get to know that they were in our dreams, neither do we HuDa

#Experience

No, It is not you who is unforgettable , It is me who don't forget anything, the problem isn't always about forgetting, May be now the problem is having more memories than a peaceful mind can ever hold.
Why can't we get to choose our memories?! Why do we let bitter memories  take part in our mind, to occupy the places of the new good ones??! Why don't we pour them down at the end of the year?! Seriuosly Why?!

Pride & Prejudice

``Dear Lizzy!''
``Oh! you are a great deal too apt, you know, to like people in general. You never see a fault in any body. All the world are good and agreeable in your eyes. I never heard you speak ill of a human being in my life.''
``I would wish not to be hasty in censuring any one; but I always speak what I think.''
``I know you do; and it is that which makes the wonder. With your good sense, to be honestly blind to the follies and nonsense of others! Affectation of candour is common enough; -- one meets it every where. But to be candid without ostentation or design -- to take the good of every body's character and make it still better, and say nothing of the bad -- belongs to you alone. And so, you like this man's sisters too, do you? Their manners are not equal to his.''

#TrueStory

I had to sit near , each time I make tons of excuses to sit in a very different place, based on how near I am to him, sometimes I tell my friends clearly that I don't like to sit on the first 8 benches , I just don't like the idea of being subjected to doctor's glances all the day long, the day afterI started to explain how I didn't get anything last time, and I wanna sit in the second one, Saying that the glances don't bother me anymore,, (well yea they all think of me as a schizophrenic lol!)