i want to write this and not to read it again, not to remember that i ever wrote most of it one day.
i have to write this like the sailor who writes a note a s.o.s , put it in a bottle and throw it in the sea, in the ocean.
and he knows damn well that there are little chances that someone would actually see it, and may be more little chances that someone would actually read it. Yet he do so to feel better, to feel that he didn't have anything else to do. to have something to pray through it , he threw it to pray, to not asking for a big miracle to be rescued, he thinks the note makes it like asking for a small one. to change his prayer from (Please God , rescue me ) to (Please God, someone read the note).
I'm writing this hoping i would get that feeling today, tomorrow..to pray by this. that someone, somewhere, somehow might understands. that someone accidentally was surfing blogs and find this, and he accidentally read it.
I'm writing this at my room , at night when everyone i know is probably
asleep.
I'm only 18 yet i can say that I've been through enough , that life keeps teaching me lessons one after another and i don't have desire to learn, and there is no breaks . and the teachers ( people who are teaching me those lessons) are looking to me like i really had enough breaks . the first teacher comes to give me this serious look , like i slept enough yesterday and it is time for school and gives the hardest lesson ever, the second one gives me this more serious look like i had enough sleeping and playing in the first lesson. and he doesn't know that i had neither slept yesterday nor had i fun in the first lesson.
I'm going with my words, with my feelings to someone who might understand, someone feels the same way like i do.
I'm not giving my words to over-optimistic people, to not ruin them.
I 'm experiencing this feeling now and I don't know anything about myself, about my hopes, just a wish-list which i consider now the only thing that proves my identity.
I don't know what i am born to do , what qualities do i have to get through anything in my life.
Am i really strong?. Do i really hate maths? Am i really passionate towards physics?..
are these questions are really this ease to answer..
they are saying something about middle-age-crisis for men..and the menopause for women.
I'm telling you that at my age there has to be something like this.
I'm not being pessimistic , I'm not complaining over anything.
it is just that I'm feeling that my life isn't on the right track yet. that i didn't achieve much yet.
Will i be looking to this 5 years from now , writing myself a comment that I've done enough and I'm ready to speak about it. that would be number 17 on my wish-list!.
I am soon to become 20. And I've accepted the unexpected turns my life has taken. Or I'm trying to accept them. You'll be engrossed in university and studies and get lost in them soon, the sense of having accomplished nothing in your life will still be there but it'll slowly fade away because you're doing what you're supposed to. I believe that you'll soon find your way and be content with your life, inshallah!
ReplyDeleteI want to assure you that your SOS has been read by an online passer-by or a savior, whichever one you like. Someone somewhere did read your esteemed note, what the use then? You also wrote your SOS at night and I read it and I am pretty sure that YOU are in a profound dormancy. But tell me are you just 18 yrs old? Are you kidding me? As per, your post, I will assume an affirmative answer says “I am dead serious,” an answer that puts me down even further. You did make me disappointed. I am 22 and I can tell that I have achieved nothing so far. Always pin my failures on flimsy excuses. When I was 18, I was aimless, yes aimless, a normal high school guy who was striving really hard to reach his potential. I was the first among my counterparts in the Azharite High school diploma and it went unheeded. I received an excellent degree in my last two academic years and a scholarship thereafter and I am still a mere student. I hope things get better when I will be back to lovely Egypt. Maybe I did not have the privilege of being a Cairene like you. Had I been a Cairene, I would have made great strides in my life and education. But I was a miserable Upper Egyptian who was working against the clock to find his way in this upside down milieu. The two years I have been to Greater Cairo, I have worked in translation and get a scholarship to study in the USA. You should reflect on being privileged with a decent family, education level and access to the social media. Things millions in Upper Egypt and other remote areas are utterly deprived of. Think about the blessings that Allah (swt) has bestowed upon you. I never want to bug you but this is the tough reality. Anyway, a special thanks to you for inspiring me. Unlike me, you dared to speak out your hopes and fears and lay out your thoughts in vivid details. This is crystal clear in every nook and cranny of your posts. I admit that I am a big fan of your awesome blog. I cannot help but to take the hat off for you. Applause to you!
ReplyDeleteWow that was huge :D, I wasn't asleep when you read this, actually I am kinda of a night-person if that was a word!
ReplyDeletethe dormancy of ppl are to think of right?!
I get your point about you guys in upper Egypt who double-work to achieve your goals , it is respectable , I respect guys like you, and I have this feeling bout you, that u work hard and ppl like that always reach their goals! cheer up!
yet there is no much difference between a Cairene and a upper-egyption, the ways to conquer difficulties are different, but u should know that difficulties are different as well, and I think I started to be addicted to your comments as well :), thanks!