Romance *Sigh*

This will sound crazy, even for me, so who is barely accused to be sane
Stay Safe, Don't read this!

When I first met you, -well actually if I can
consider the fact of ur profile-poping
out  of absolutely nowhere equals meeting you- things became much
clearer, incidents passed much slower through me, Maybe Nothing
changed, maybe it is me, Maybe it has always been me.
I stopped worrying about things, I stopped complaing too, and seriously
if you know the paranoid-side of me, you will get that THIS
IS A HUGE THING!
like it is enough for me that u are on the same planet, maybe now
I am breathing the same air you exhaled months ago, Maybe we met
some common people who led us to gain common experiences.
Maybe one day we read the same online things , that made us think
in the very same way, Maybe someday our playlist was more likely
to be the same than any other two, Or maybe we gained the same weight
in the very same week , then complained about this the same amount.
It doesn't actually matter which one of those happened, maybe
they all did, Maybe more, maybe nothing at all.
But in the weirdest way , in the very weirdest way actually I can assure
you that I have never ever sensed this feeling of belong with anyone else.
someone asked Can a hug be a home?,, and I am asking you
can a profile just a profile be a home this much?!,, Both not-literally and literally (as ur profile is actually my homepage which is totally pathetic, I mean dude it is
a total pathetic thing to do) *Sigh* I am so pathetic.

Random irrational must written things

-And I am lost, trying to explain the feeling of the very last un-cooked pop corn in oil, surrounded by cooked ones, 1/10 sec. before it pops!,because I believe that describing that will announce me as an artistic writer!

-And I was convinced that people who love me are the only ones who didn't know her, Sad truth, I loved her, but I wished she just disappear.

To me Novels are not just novels.

She was yelling at me for taking the novel more serious than a sane person should, it is just a novel for God sake, she said. True,I take novels seriously , more serious than most ppl I know, and this is something most ppl I know will never understand.

Art

I have always been intrigued by the untold, the unseen, whether it is behind the scene, Or not even behind the scene. I am somehow captured by the after-state, the after-state of a singer who sings a really heart-breaking song, when all people emotionally move on after listening to it. How he feels after the song?. Like I read before a closed-box has its glorification, as long as it is closed , anything can be in, a mummy, a map to lost-treasure, secret information of how to split down the world in ten days, money, books , weapon, spider webs, Or nothing at all. That is how I see UN-told, I practically hear the untold say so much without actually telling that. That is how the vagueness is more clear to me than the clearly obvious stuff that every other person wants us to see. I actually observed lately that I barely look to the main actor/actress in a commercial. I search for completely other things, sometimes I miss the aim of the whole commercial by doing this. Some people May call it distraction even dumbness, but I agree to call it an art. The art of seeing/hearing/smelling the UN Or barely exist. So can you please just not talk?, If you talk loudly that is actually interact negatively with how clear I hear you.

a whole new level of my maddness

People break down, but strong people break down strongly, out of all my miserable experiences, I somehow reached the mechanism of corruption, the art of breaking down so miserably hard. It is both funny and pathetic to notice how this mecahnism works , how it can be applied on people, on countries, on empires, the same exact mechanism with a so little deviation ,and it is somehow worth-mentioning that knowing how exactly you will break down, may delay ur corruption, it may give you the chance to put ur pieces together, but it won’t help when you actually break down first rule of corruption: -unless you are an angel, a messenger, you will eventually break down. Second rule of corruption: you will break down the same way ur absoulte adjective tells you to. -Strong people break down strongly. -weak people break down weakily. -great empires break down greatly -tyrant unfair man will actually break down unfairly. which is so fair, third rule of corruption: you will break down for the sake of money, power, beauty, or simply for nothing. fourth rule of corruption: people who break down for the sake of nothing will actually feel nothing during breaking down. and that is so painful! -fifth rule of corruption: people break down independantly , in different ways , and they stand up depending on each other, in different ways. -sixth rule of corruption: it is healty for you to break down compelelty , before starting to stand up. than a semi-break down. So hold ur breath, pick up ur adjective , and wait for ur corruption,

Different

I can't keep going like this, I can't keep going with this feeling that something will end somehow at some point. I can't keep going with the concept that nothing lasts forever,, true concept, this is life , nothing lasts, but at least we don't have to be kept on the alarm 24\7, I can't deal with everything knowing that I shall forget at some point, it is useless,  this indifference , this 100% complete indifference is just useless, I need to torture , I need that, to keep in mind that losing people is not that easy, I need to understand that at some point all the scars will arise....... together.... in pain!
Nothing lasts, that is true. But we don't have to end them so soon .
Nothing lasts, that is true, But why don't we procrastinate for longer time.
Nothing lasts, that is true, But why don't we at least let ourselves break down when it happens.
This post is just not about strength, not about me telling you how happy u will be by moving on, those posts are really alot that we forgot how to be sad. why don't we suffer? I mean seriously! why do we think that forgetting , denying is always for the best, Maybe it is for the best, so why do we have to go through the best? who put these rules anyway?. this post is for arising ur weakness, YES! I wrote it correctly, for weakness,  and u know what? I am sick of being strong, I'm sick of not going down, of not whipping.
Maybe that is what I need,
some weakness This post is just different!  

BEES!

According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The bee, of course, flies anyway. Because bees don't care what humans think is impossible.

Memorizing

Today is my 19-birthday! YAAAY! ^_^ 
I'm blessed, I'm Happy!
Maybe Yesterday I didn't notice that, Maybe Tomorrow I will forget all about it!
So I will take this exact moment , to memorize this exact feeling. Today! Today I admit it!
It is true that  till this moment I can't clearly heart-fully answer simple questions about my existence   who am I?, Or what do I offer?
I'm 19 now, and I have this loud voice inside pushing me to search for answers. .....Do I have what it takes to get my answers?  ,,,Are they even there?... In me? ....Deep Down?...
I don't know! and that used to freak me down, all day-long, all week duration . But at this moment , I am happy. so I wanted the whole world to just know it! Enough! I will Shut up now and Enjoy this moment!

Tonight

Tonight I am speechless.Tonight I don't seem to be so lucky with the chosen words.Tonight I have nothing in mind but plenty of complicated feelings in heart, Yesterday I was so sure of stuff, Tonight I am not, I am more like opposing what I used to approve.
Tonight I am finally finally letting myself break down, into million pieces, to finally have the chance to re-arrange them.
Tonight I will let my feelings guide me without forcing myself to plan all mind's victory, Tonight I will hold up my phone and call whatever person I want to hear her\his voice, without pre-thinking of the consequences, and Maybe tonight I will stray so far away from the sidewalk, the safe road.
Only tonight I will do that.

What happened?

I look back to the fragile person I was those days, how sentimental!
-Hurtful words used to get me down, a staring glance was very much enough to disturb my whole day, I was more than careful over-watching my mouth to not hurt anyone however he acted or reacted. I felt awkward for the tiniest reasons, I was not that girl who can confidently enter the class 5 min. late and just deal with glances, my calmness was given as a clear example, so as my politeness. I look to this girl now and wonder what happened?

 I look to myself now,noticing every movement but not letting my concentration upon them neither change nor delay them. I loudly sing in the middle of anywhere without any sign of boredom or embarrassment, I now can enter my lecture in the very last 5 min. looking straight to people faces with this look on my face that is actually your fault for being here all the time, not mine for being out, I have a life people! 3o2balkom :P haha!

I now am An example of a person suffering a hyper-activity condition! and my mouth just don't stop talking, GOD! whether I'm talking to my outer-myself Or my inner-myself or the middle! there has to be someone, Or something :P what dah hell happened?
I wonder!

Your choice!

-There is nothing left to be destroyed, everything's own shame is clearly obvious to eyes nowdays, you are not rewarded for seeing the clearly obvious, you are not rewarded for seeing what anyone can normally see,but you are appreciated if you can shut your ears in the middle of horrible noise and still can hear music, you are appreciated if you actually have the ability to bring your own weather with you everywhere you go, 
-Destruction, distorting, vandalism, are not going to shut the war within you, they don't shut anyone's war, but beauty....beauty can at least provoke the hidden peace you never felt.

Unfair 2

-It is unfair that getting sick of chaotic feelings within you is actually a feeling!

-That if a certain unwanted idea occupied you, the more effort you make to erase it, the harder it becomes for it to be vanished, that the magnitude of effort suddenly becomes the magnitude of the idea to

stick!

-That people don't get to know that they were in our dreams, neither do we HuDa

#Experience

No, It is not you who is unforgettable , It is me who don't forget anything, the problem isn't always about forgetting, May be now the problem is having more memories than a peaceful mind can ever hold.
Why can't we get to choose our memories?! Why do we let bitter memories  take part in our mind, to occupy the places of the new good ones??! Why don't we pour them down at the end of the year?! Seriuosly Why?!

Pride & Prejudice

``Dear Lizzy!''
``Oh! you are a great deal too apt, you know, to like people in general. You never see a fault in any body. All the world are good and agreeable in your eyes. I never heard you speak ill of a human being in my life.''
``I would wish not to be hasty in censuring any one; but I always speak what I think.''
``I know you do; and it is that which makes the wonder. With your good sense, to be honestly blind to the follies and nonsense of others! Affectation of candour is common enough; -- one meets it every where. But to be candid without ostentation or design -- to take the good of every body's character and make it still better, and say nothing of the bad -- belongs to you alone. And so, you like this man's sisters too, do you? Their manners are not equal to his.''

#TrueStory

I had to sit near , each time I make tons of excuses to sit in a very different place, based on how near I am to him, sometimes I tell my friends clearly that I don't like to sit on the first 8 benches , I just don't like the idea of being subjected to doctor's glances all the day long, the day afterI started to explain how I didn't get anything last time, and I wanna sit in the second one, Saying that the glances don't bother me anymore,, (well yea they all think of me as a schizophrenic lol!)

So me!

Untitled

-When I looked him in the eyes, I saw grief, it was deep, it had roots straight to the heart that I started to wonder. Is it something to see?! and for how long it was there?,,,Then I myself replied  Couldn't you differentiate between castles and huts?! Poor him!

-I remember that feeling ,such a confusing one ,Just like falling in love, it is sweet at first, then you start to wonder if you can stop, if you can stop making your other half your whole life. forget about the damn trust thing, I never reached that level of love, maybe it is not even there, and ppl keep acting they reached it because they heard about it, and the first who said that was just a liar, he made the whole feeling up.

Two layers me!

I'm inside myself. Have you ever had this idea that u are not one layer-person?, that beside the smooth seen-layer, there is another inner thick unseen one, larger, more complicated, not as ease?!
I'm two layers, it is not a mask of hypocrisy, both layers don't involve people issue, they always have the same exact opinions on people, if one of them thought how rude you are, the second can't defend you, it can't disagree, it can't even give you a chance, But they are not the same, at least when it comes to emotions and feelings.
here you are the differences!
-You can get to touch, scratch the thick one, without any penetration to the first.
-In matter how powerful the feelings you give me,it can just stop by the first layer, not even getting close to the second.
-Just because you scratched both of them, that doesn't mean you matter to me this much. Believe me nothing is utter,at least when it comes to feelings!

For clarification
You can tell this joke, then you look to my face, to see a blank,emotionless face, while the second layer is rolling on floor laughing, Vice versa too (but that is rarely)
You can say something between words and I can't look more careless. while the second one is angry,So happy, DYING!

Why I am writing this?! I just want ppl to say whatever they wanna say,without any expectations, I wanna them to act whatever suit them. without caring how will I think? or what is going to happen to me after this word, this fight, because they won't have the chance to know anyway!
I'm inside myself!

Nothing!

-A great deal of nothing goin on within me, it gets wider this nothing thing, something wrong is happening, or at least not in its proper place, disorder is a wrong form too!
-It is dark, engulfing everything it faces, everything falls in this abyss, gets dissolved, changes in to nothing which in turn widen the nothing abyss, memories, feelings, hate, love, all fall equally,with the same speed,transform to the same nothing thing,
Nothing-abysses are the most dangerours, you can't fight what you don't see, you can't fight what you don't hear. You can't end something you have no clue what started it, you are allowed to guess,whether your guessing becomes a series of repeated disappointments,Or continuous pain that turned in to familiarity.
but guessing isn't enough, is it?.No,not when you are dealing with something that is literally taking your life away from you.
All people can live with tragedies, strong people deal with them,and live happily though.but living with a nothing-hole in your soul that can turn anybody into nobody, is not that easy, Is impossible!

Words

scattered Bare words are flowing in my head, spinning is the word, and I shall extract beauty out of them, inject them with my expereince so as to represent me, putting them together in my own way, to fit my fears, my hopes, and my opinions.

About me

I say stuff that I don't mean all the time, I am such an annoying person, if you gave me the chance, I would talk for hours without any sign of boredom, I think I am absolutely the most horrible listener to all people except the ones I love, I can listen to their breaths for a day long without complaining, (ok. that was extreme) may be a couple of hours, well yea, if I had nothing else to do!
I believe I am not exactly sane. In fights, it is safer for you to just not listen, because I say all the wrong stuff, I literally blow in your face, especially if I cared about you, I think I am such a mean person who people are better off her, I think I am the exact person whom the Psychiatrists advice not to take part in her life, I am too senstive that if I got hurt I hurt the whole world along with me, with no sign of regret, I do have plenty of enemies, which is kinda cool if you thought about it, no?! ok!, Soon to become 19, future pharmacist, and a Gemini
Are you still reading this?! is that normal?! just saying !!

You did that

My heart is pushing me to push my mind away from the first itself!
You did that, I am stuck between these two, I keep pushing my mind to delay the truth, to paralyze logic and reason that explain your absence, I keep distorting what is clearly obvious, concealing some other clues, I keep stalling to give you time , enough time to come back.
my heart is pushing me to do so, behind this pure, calm look lies the most vigorous conflict, the most persistent one, your absence did that, you did that!

If it were the end of the world!

I was watching T.V couple of days ago, and then I watched this episode of a show ((GREEK)) which was supposed to be entertaining one, during which your mind can finally stop thinking for a while, but not with me anyway, it gave me this idea that kept swelling in my head , till I couldn't ignore or shut down anymore, first the episode was about this party named (End of the world) ,the funny thing that ppl took it too serious that it turned to a pathetic issue, they believed, it were the end of the world and acted upon this un-justified belief too! here is what happend -A girl cheated on her boyfreind ended up kissing her ex., saying if it were the of the world , I'd rather be in your arms. -OK!
-A religious guy lost his virginity to a woman who was older than him by like 15 years, saying if it were the end of the world ,I don't want to die virgin!
 -Another guy who had really big exam , on which his entire future depends on, snapped out to party with his Gf. saying if it were the end of the world , I don't want to die studing!
Ok. that wasn't funny, I know it is just a show , and I probably am making a big deal out of nothing, but I am talking further than this and that, there had to be a similar subject on which the idea of the show was based on , right?! . I don't know, excuse me for not understanding the message behind all of that, If it were actually the end of the world, and you actually had the chance to actually know that (how many actually did I use so far?!, exactly my point!) wouldn't you prefer to die praying, wouldn't you at least try to make up all your sins?!, wouldn't you thank God for everything, and try to make something perfect before you leave?! it actually freaked me out, sacred me to see the huge gap , differences between cultures, so do I think that someday, somehow. all the barriers will just be omitted?! No, thank you, but I don't think so!

I didn't mind then

I didn't mind then, to think of all what you needed me to think of,, in order to justify your ego. I said them over and over, loud as you demanded, with no regrets, with no doubts of your twisted desire, something disappeared within me every time I bowed, something faded with time, I didn't notice that, I never cared for myself enough in order to do that, and that wasn't good for you, you had to take it all, taking away my soul wasn't that good, you had to break every attempt of me to re-build myself after what you broke, you did broke everything, and left peacefully. then I lived very much alone, with my bittered memories chasing me everyplace I go, I heard you in every song, even songs I know now they didn't fit then at all, I read you in every sentence in every story, your name rhymed every poem , I saw your look In every movie , I thought I had seen you in every street, I thought you were every passer-by. You were chasing me, In matter how hard I wanted to let go, you didn't make it easy. Dreams were much worse, to finally let go your mind to think of whatever he wants, can be very much devastating,dangerous. I yelled at shadows at night, I was like crazy with the whole world he lives in , I had a whole world too, it was your memories, I cried ,and cried, days upon days. months passed now. I think I do mind now, to see you , to remember that you were a part of my life awhile ago, I don't remember you, I only remember the bitterness you made me get through, I linked you with all the scars in my life, now you are everything that don't fit, that just don't fit .

Couldn't reach a beautiful title

You know when you read something, and it seems to rock your world, as if someone somewhere has looked at you, and in a single moment figured you out, and touched you to the deepest fibers of your being? That is what this is. With a little bit of faith, and an open mind you fill find time after time that every post really was written just for you. There is wisdom and an understanding in these posts that go beyond what you usually find in any form, and there is strength to be borrowed when you need it most. I have never found anything else like this and it is well worth sharing. Via Iwrotethisforyou!

Pure!

At night, when you are lying on your bed, just before you lose that link to reality, after you bothered yourself thinking of all your worries, about every shattered hope, your guilts, every undiminished mission you were not able to accomplish during the whole day, after all of that, you kinda reach that pure moment when you think that everything makes sense, every person you met, every word was said, made sense, all the random parts of the random articles and books you read , rearranged and found their place in your mind, in your soul, every situation you were put in, led you straight to a feeling that you could have never lived without.
Everything in your day made sense,and so did the awkwardness! you then think that you a part of something bigger, something huge, that your existence has to mean something, it is one moment, one pure moment that lasts more than it seems to be. then you close your eyes , seeking for inner peace, that peace you were not able to achieve during the day, 8 hours before you open them again, before the pain manifests, before you re-obtain the link to reality, to worries, to guilts, again. and you can't wait to re-lose the link, again and again.